Communication Tips
As an owner of a home care agency, I am involved with older adults and their families on a daily basis. Actually, I have been immersed in this space for the last 16 years. It is an area that is growing, yet constantly changing. The older adults of today are not the same as the older adults from 16 years ago. The older adults of tomorrow will not be like the older adults of today. Just like the commercial, this is not your father’s Cadillac. The people are different and so are their concerns. Their adult children are also changing. As you can imagine, there are a lot of different dynamics facing both the adult children as well as their aging parents. Navigating the aging space has plenty of moving parts.
In the last few months, my professional life has collided into my personal life. As someone who is in their late 50’s (actually, as late as it can get), many of my extended family and friends, who are lucky enough to still have living parents, are in the middle of assisting their aging parents or family members. The conversation topic at get togethers now quickly turns to their parents. Friends whose parents live out of town are visiting them more. I’ve noticed more connections on Linked In taking time off from work to help their parents. I’ve received more phone calls from friends asking for some advice.
I’ve noticed that there is a consistent theme. Many of my friends and colleagues are becoming exasperated with their parents. To be honest, I am betting the parent is also becoming exasperated with their kids as well. It seems to boil down to communication, or rather miscommunication. I’ve put together a few communication tips to keep in mind when you want to or need to have a discussion with an older adult that you think may be perceived as uncomfortable. These tips can work for a younger boss communicating with an older employee as well as for family and friends.
Before the Conversation with an Older Adult
Before you even start talking, think about your goals for the conversation. What are you trying to achieve? Will this take multiple conversations or is it one and done? If you need to talk about a heavy topic like moving to an assisted living facility or taking away the car keys, do not plan on having just one conversation. The more serious the topic, the more conversations are needed. In the first conversation you should plan to plant the seed and leave it at that. Perhaps the next conversation you become a great listener and ask questions rather than doing the bulk of the talking. You want to know their objections before you have the bigger conversation. Once you figure out their concerns or objections, you will need to be able to address them before you sit down to talk.
For example, if you do need to have the “stop driving” talk, you should have several ideas for transportation, that you’ve already researched, to discuss. Is a ride sharing option viable? Will you need to teach them how to use Uber or Lyft or will you order a car through a third party app? Will you be available to drive them? Will they need to hire a driver? What are the costs associated with a driver? Is public transportation an option? You can’t just tell someone they cannot drive anymore without having some alternative suggestions.
Environment-Remove Distractions
When communicating with any age group, make sure the person you are going to talk to is not distracted. You wouldn’t begin a discussion with a teenager when they have earbuds on while watching a video, so don’t begin a conversation with your parents if they are in the middle of watching TV or reading a book. Give them some space to finish up what they are doing and then help remove any distractions. Don’t just walk in and turn the sound off on the TV. Ask permission if it would be ok to turn off the TV. Be cognizant of the timing. If they are late risers, don’t swing by first thing in the morning. If they nap in the afternoon, be aware of when they like to nap. Pick their best time of the day. Make sure everyone is comfortable, has gone to the bathroom, has some water and is generally in a good place. Start with a quiet, calm environment. (Hint: you should put away your phone so you don’t get distracted as well.)
Respect-Always Lead with Respect
Always remain respectful. This is universal when communicating with people at any age. The minute respect is out of the picture, walls go up and defensive behavior begins. Regardless of your age, you are still the child and your mom is still your parent. Even someone who has moderate dementia will still feel and sense respect. Never talk in a patronizing or childlike manner to any adult. If you lead with respect, keep dignity in mind and make sure the conversation is a two way street, it should be a productive conversation without a lot of defensiveness.
Don’t Assume-Ask
People make mistakes and jump to wrong conclusions by trying to guess what someone else is thinking. Don’t assume anything. Just ask. You can’t possibly know what someone is thinking without asking them. You may be so worried about an issue when in reality, it is not even a concern.
For example, your Mom has always been in charge of her own medications but lately, she’s been mixing things up, forgetting to take them and not reordering the meds in a timely fashion. You think it's time that she should not set them up by herself anymore. You begin agonizing over how to bring this up. You worry that you will hurt her feelings. You don’t know what to do. Before you can have a plan, you need to know what’s going on. Why is she mixing them up? Is she setting them up just fine but forgetting to take them? Has a doctor started her on a new routine? Once you know some of the answers, then you can be thinking of a plan. Are you able to set them up on a regular basis? Do you need to hire someone? Does she just need a reminder system? Obviously, you can’t know the answers to any of these questions unless you ask and have a conversation with your mother. You may be pleasantly surprised to learn that she would be grateful for any and all assistance or perhaps, she just needs an alarm on her phone to remind her.
Plan ahead-Don’t Rush
My last tip is to give yourself plenty of time and do not try to rush any serious conversation. Let’s take the task of paying bills as an example. Your Dad is independent and has always paid his own bills and has taken care of all of his finances. You see that things are slipping, some bills are getting missed and problems are starting to develop. You want to help but don’t know how to bring it up without offending his pride. You fear he will get mad and shut you out. The first step is to set your expectations. Start out with a goal of gaining oversight into his situation and not swooping in and taking over. You might bring up the topic by saying “Dad, when you were in the hospital last month, I noticed that some bills didn’t get paid. I think it would be helpful if you could teach me your system so if it happens again, I can help out.” Your Dad may feel relief in knowing you are there to be a backup for him. Ideally, if you are in the same area or can be online together, the two of you can get together and have him teach you his methods and Dad can begin to feel comfortable. You can earn his trust. Maybe he’ll be relieved to give it all over to you or maybe not but at least you are now able to have the oversight you wanted.
Communication is a two way street. Setting expectations and planning what you want to accomplish beforehand will make the conversation smooth and productive.